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Uptoolate Productions has recently acquired exclusive publication rights to a collection of closely-guarded ancient manuscripts. (We got the rights cheap, because no one else wanted them.) These barely-known, often-whispered-about texts, are called the Books of Raoul. They were the product of an ancient civilization called the Arybuteans.

Until very recently, little was known of the religious ideas of the Arybutas people, beyond the remains of their little mushroom-headed bird-goddess statues (no, those are not phallic). The Arybuteans recognized a primary pair of deities. The first was a Great Goddess, Oyamateraxucoatl (pronounced oya-amater-achoo-coat'l). She was envisioned as the Androgynous Mother, containing within Herself both male and female essences. She hearkened back to a simpler time before it was known males participated in procreation (about 9:17 AM on the fourth day of the third grade). She was the Sun, Moon, and Stars, the Sky and the Earth, life and death, rivers and mountains, cotton and rayon, gold and belly-button lint. She was Mistress of the winds and seas, and Lady of all plants and animals, except silly ones like fungus and the platypus. She was Hot Stuff. Her consort, Raoul, was everything else.

Not surprisingly, this left little for the priesthood of the Consort to do, and they spent most of their time consorting with the priestesses of the Love Goddess, Uhura Matzoh (one of the many aspects of Oyamateraxucoatl). That, and finding interesting things to do with fungus.

The name of the Great Goddess of the Arybutas people translates as a prayer: "(o-ya-mater) O! Ye Great Mother (-achoo-) says you'll get sick (-coat'l) if you don't wear a sweater." Most other details about Her are unremarkable – once you learn about one Great Goddess, you pretty much know Them all. Great Goddesses are a dime a dozen these days, and what is known of Oyamateraxucoatl can easily be discovered by the usual sort of thorough research done on most Great Goddesses (that is, read anything by Barbara Walker and substitute a few names; the result will be as accurate as your sources). Far more interesting, and unusual, are the hints and pieces concerning Raoul.

The First Profit of Raoul was Zeroasher Mostel. Having nothing important to accomplish, he became a trickster. He is said to have written a thousand books, but most were trashy romance novels, and nobody bought them. Under Zeroasher's teaching, Raoul became the Lord of Apathy, and the priesthood, naturally, drifted away.

During the Third and a Half Dynasty of West-Central Arybutas (lower east side), there developed a people who inscribed their pots with wavy lines. (Some scholars see this as a coded reference to cutting pot with coke in wavy lines.) They were known as the Wavy Line People. A second Profit of Raoul arose among them, Immanual Labour, who updated some of Zeroasher's writings and added a few idle thoughts of his own. Some considered his tampering with the scriptures of Zeroasher to be rather presumptuous, but most agreed Zeroasher had needed a good editor anyway. Few really cared. They were, after all, Apathetics.

The result of Immanual's work was the Books of Raoul.

This fragmentary history had been pieced together as early as the late 1940's, mostly through the efforts of a small clique of scholars and grad students who were trying to keep their hands in while waiting for grant requests to come through. (Israel Regardie has been accused of having paid Montague Summers to make it all up, but this seems unlikely.) What little had been discovered was very provisional, and most other historians viewed it as terribly unimportant and rather boring and silly. Few even accepted the existence of the Arybutas people. Though there'd been mention of the Books of Raoul on ancient matchbook covers and in the pages of Better Ziggurats and Gardens, copies of the Books had never been found, and most historians were convinced they were a mere folktale. By the mid-1960's, the most dedicated Arybutean scholars had taken to drinking heavily, and were seldom invited to parties anymore.

But in the late 1980's, a stunning discovery of manuscripts galvanized the study of Raoul and his Profits. The circumstances of the discovery are unique, but would be a tale for another time. A few scholars of the original clique have actually checked into recovery programs, and are beginning to deal with the mass of new data. For now, it's enough to make note of the confirmed existence of three fragmentary and partially overlapping revisions of the Books of Raoul.

One of the biggest surprises came with a realization of the organization of the Books. They are divided into four distinct collections, each with a general theme and an independent title: "Tall Tales", "Wiseguy Literature", "Things Man Was Not Meant To Know", and "Other Stuff". The first three collections were met with surprise and not a little dismay. The fact of organization was shocking, because the priesthood of Raoul had been thought to have been completely incapable of organizing anything. Since they worshipped the God of Apathy, setting something into an ordered system would seem to be too much work for them. Would it be necessary to reassess everything which had been pieced together about the followers of Raoul?

However, scholars were reassured when the organization of the Books of Raoul was discovered to be incomplete. The fourth collection, "Other Stuff", consists entirely of the writings which hadn't yet been categorized. It is, by far, the largest of the four collections.

It's difficult to ascertain how much interest there is in the sacred scriptures of the God of Apathy (duh), and so most of the Books of Raoul still remain untranslated. If there is enough interest shown (that is, if anyone out there admits to having read this), Uptoolate will endeavor to publish more of the available texts. We can also provide more background on the culture of the Arybutas people, along with the history of how that culture came to be discovered.

Below are excerpts from one of the Books of Raoul, "Zeroasher's Advice to His Grandson". This book is a collection of sayings and clichés, small and easily-remembered bits of wisdom condensed into bitesized nuggets which can be sampled like popcorn. They are to the mind what M & M's are to a healthy diet. But they're insidious, in a way; though individually each conveys nearly nothing, collectively they can burrow deep into the hippocampus and alter your worldview completely. In general, though, they make about as much sense as a Zen Kohan (that is, a Jewish Buddhist).

"Zeroasher's Advice to His Grandson" purports to be a series of aphorisms collected from the First Profit when he was an old man. Some passages of this work seem rather confused. Others are straightforward, if a bit prosaic. Still others sound like casual dictation, almost chatty and personable. Some seem amazingly prophetic, relating, it would appear, to contemporary civilization. Others are simply nonsense. A very few exhibit flashes of actual lucidity. The reference to "satire" at one point makes scholars wonder if any of the advice was meant to be taken at face value.

It is not yet known how much of this book is actually the work of Zeroasher, and how much was added or changed by Immanual - or, for that matter, by later copyists and revisionists. Written tradition, after all, is like a game of telephone, and no two copies of a written work are ever the same (unless they've been proofread or you're being careful or something). In an effort to explain the internal contradictions and inconsistencies, some scholars have theorized at least four different authors.

But there's an easier explanation. The priesthood of Raoul, it must be remembered, were Shamans and tricksters, with a great deal of time on their hands.

This means they did a lot of drugs when they were young.

At any rate, without further ado, here are some portions of "Zeroasher's Advice to His Grandson", part of the collection of Wiseguy Literature in the Books of Raoul.

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O the son of my daughter, go thou into the World, and be not afraid. For where there is hope, there is life. Of course, there's also life where there is no hope. Life's like that. You can't get away from it. And when you do, you're dead anyway.

Always remember: all things are possible. Except those which aren't.

Not all advice is good. Not all good is advisable. Not all wisdom is wise. Not all foolishness is wisdom. Where was I going with this?

Truth is easy to keep track of. Lying is too much work, because you have to remember what you said to whom.

When the rigors of life become unbearable, think of those less fortunate than you, and be glad you're not them. This may make you smile.

If that doesn't work, think of those who have more than you, and pretend you're them. A good daydream often lifts one's spirits, without requiring any actual effort.

When all else fails, have sex.

Okay, I remember where I was going before. Not all foolishness is wisdom. But some can be. Not all nonsense is worthless. Pick and choose carefully. But be sure to wash your hands afterwards. I'm old, and sometimes I get confused.

Expect others to live up to what they are. But always remember: exploring the depths of most souls wouldn't exactly require hiking boots. More like a magnifier.

The breadth of most peoples' understanding can be spanned with an penny. The substance of the spirit of most of your contemporaries would stick to the bottoms of your sandals, and smell like a platypus.

Moderation is something you shouldn't overdo.

Always follow your heart. Or your stomach. Some organ anyway. Whatever.

THERE IS NO DOGMA. Period.

Do not listen to voices of authority. Oh, except mine. Because I said so, that's why.

Dualism is bad.

Never allow someone into your company who would exclude anybody.

Here are the two most important rules of social relationships:
    Rule 1: Every ecosystem needs maggots.
    Rule 2: Never argue with a maggot.
If you keep these ever in mind, life will go much more smoothly.

Liars are easy to find, but difficult to see. When you discover a liar, refer to Rules 1 and 2.

Always treasure the gifts of the Gods. Without the World, you have nothing. Duh.

Consult not the oracles of the 1,900 PRO-FITS. Some things you pay for. Others, you do not.

Do not thou join thyself among the ranks of the 1,900 PRO-FITS. It's a good scam, but your friends will giggle.

Nothing's simple. That's IT!

Always remember:... Uhm... Wait, it'll come back to me.

Whether you plan for it or not, shit still happens. Clean your boots and be on your way.

When all else fails, have sex.

Many people like to be manipulative. Don't play that game. It's almost exactly like work, and avoiding it makes others think highly of you. Clever, huh?

Once you can fake sincerity, you've got it made.

Oh, I recall. Always remember: one's mind is a terrible thing to lose.

Worry is wasted effort.

All things are possible. Even those which aren't.

Keep away from oathbreakers and liars. When lightening hits, even innocent bystanders get burned.

Fate, even with a lame foot, can outrun a liar, even with a head start.

Speaking of the Fates - they're funny, aren't they?

Begrudge not the lives of hurtful people. The Gods provide them to give you someone to look down on with a clear conscience.

I once knew a gossip who spread lies about everyone. It made her feel important to make people angry with each other. But her lies kept catching up with her, and she had to flee from place to place. Her eventual death brought people together in a joyful celebration. Every ecosystem needs maggots.

An eagle can soar, but it can't swim. A trout can swim, but it can't fly. A duck can both fly and swim. Porcupines don't care.

If you watch closely, nothing happens.

When all else fails, have sex.

Never betray a trust if you aren't wearing your running shoes. Then, avoid thunderstorms.

The best vengeance is to ignore those who wish you ill. That really pisses them off. And besides, it takes no real work. Clever, huh?

Once there was a man who got everything he wanted. Once. You're not him. Deal with it.

You can't control what others think of you. Alright, maybe you can, but it's not worth the effort. Be concerned more with what you think of you. Doing things you're not proud of won't make you happy. And if you're not here to be happy, why bother?

Sometimes, dualism is good.

A wise person once said, "The place where two roads cross is farther from Babylon than the Well of the Soul." Damned if I know, either.

After three days without caffeine, life becomes meaningless.

People who crave power often have delusions of adequacy.

Anyone who likes sex and dislikes children would tell a joke and wander off before the punchline. To raise children, you need a sense of humor. O son of my daughter, don't take that personally.

There were these people, see, who always complained about others bashing them behind their backs. We never did, until they insisted on it. Paranoid people are right. Nobody likes a paranoid.

And no, I'm not paranoid. Who told you that?

Consider the roses. Life has thorns. Did someone ever say it doesn't?

Consider the poppies. Okay, that's enough of a hint.

Consider the rabbits. No, I won't spell it out.

Consider the maggots. On second thought, don't.

Math is a funny thing. If a man has ten dollars, and you ask him for one, then you'll have one dollar, or maybe two or three, and he'll have nine or eight or something. But if some other man has four million dollars, and you ask him for one, chances are he'll still have four million and you'll still have none. Math is a funny thing.

Y'know, if you look real close at the tips of your fingers, you can see wavy lines. Just like on the pottery. Y'think that means something?

It's hard not to write satire.

Wait a minute... I'm still considering the rabbits.

The word of a liar can't be trusted. Duh.

Once is an accident. Twice is coincidence. Three times is a pattern. Four is a habit. Habits are hard to break.

You can't expect someone else to change a bad habit. But you don't have to put up with it. They'll get pissed off when you tell them to leave. But better they get pissed off, than you get pissed on.

If someone drinks all your wine every time they visit, and never brings any of their own, at least you'll stay sober enough to tell them not to come over any more. And they'll be drunk enough for you to put a "Kick Me!" sign on their butt. Funny how things work out.

Someone who's always late for dinner should be grateful for cold pizza and warm beer.

A tradition without restrictions is like reading about sex. It's just screwing with your head. Of course, some people prefer it that way.

True religion is dangerous, because the Gods are not safe. If you can't get a handle on that, stay away. Or wait, maybe I'm wrong. Yeah, that's it. Remember what I said before about thorns and maggots and stuff? Forget it. There's no such thing. Oyamateraxucoatl wouldn't do that. Uhm... Consider the poppies some more...

A rigid position is fun once in a while, but it's hard to maintain, and you have to expect others to respond, and it'll all explode on you eventually. Get your mind out of the gutter.

For every vengeance, there is an equal and opposite revengeance. Don't bother with it. It's too much like work.

You're not really very important until people start telling lies about you. Enjoy their slander. It makes them look even more petty. And it takes no work on your part. Clever, huh?

If someone wants to kill you, play dead. That takes all the fun out of it.

Pray often to the Great God Raoul. Since he's the God of Apathy, he won't care. You already know this. So when your prayers don't get answered, you won't be disappointed. Funny how things work out.

So, son of my daughter, go thou out into the world, see the sights, drink the wine, live your life, and when all else fails, have sex. The Great God of Apathy won't watch over you or come when you call, which will teach you an important lesson. Roll with the punches, laugh at adversity, don't take it more seriously than it deserves - and get me another beer before you leave.

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The preceding article was originally published in a scholarly journal in the mid-1990’s. In the following issue, Dr. G. B. Gander published a response which questioned the authenticity of the Raoul texts, arguing that followers of the God of Apathy could not possibly have kept their attention focused long enough to construct anything so elaborate as a written document. These are exactly the sorts of arguments which have always been advanced against the authenticity of the Books of Raoul, even as far back as the 1940’s. But in one of Zeroasher’s later works, "The Apology," there is a justification for occasional bouts of productivity: "I’ll put off procrastination until tomorrow."

Dr. Gander made allusion to the possibility that genuine Raoul texts – if there ever were such – were destroyed long ago. Immanual Labour himself, Dr. Gander said, had been charged with engaging in work(!), and he was burned at the stake for being a dangerous heretic, with his own books used as kindling. Now, it does appear to be true that in the Arybutean synods, some of the later compilers and redactionists were imprisoned on charges of working too hard. The synods always intended to vote on the matter, but kept postponing it. But this is actually an argument against the story of Immanuel and his books having been burned. While burning a book is a lot less work than writing one (and, arguably, even easier than reading one), nevertheless, generating the level of rabid intolerance needed to burn books, let alone heretics, really is likely to be beyond the Priesthood of Apathy.

Besides, the tale seems to have been a misunderstanding. Immanual Labour once had a cookout for his friends, and apparently barbequed the meat far too long – it’s likely he was drunk at the time. He was not burned at the stake. He merely burned the steak.

True, it seems rather self-contradictory to imagine a priesthood of Apathetics as writing, editing, and compiling such major works. But Immanuel’s unfinished essay, "Why You Always Find Gods in the Last Place You Look," offers this very self-contradictory nature of the Books of Raoul as a sure proof of the existence of the God of Apathy, and, conversely, offers the nature of Raoul as proof of the authenticity of the Books. As Immanuel writes, only a god who really didn’t care would allow such a contradiction. On the other hand, if Raoul didn’t exist, the Books probably wouldn’t either; but that would make too much sense. Therefore, logic demands both Raoul and the Books must exist, since this would be inconsistent, and, by definition, Raoul doesn’t care enough to be logical.

As for the other historical arguments which Dr. Gander presented, there is ample evidence against his interpretation. It is true that Zeroasher Motel is said to have had a daughter who was misnamed Gordon, and who herself had a daughter named Oops!. And yes, Gordon, it can be proved, never owned a single volume of the Books of Raoul. (After giving birth to Oops!, by the way, she changed her name from Gordon to Bates – more on that shortly.) But the hereditary line of Motels was only distantly related to the Profits of Raoul. If you carefully read the original article above, you’ll see reference to Zeroasher Mostel, not Motel. In later years, the Motels did indeed claim descent from someone named Zeroasher, but it was the wrong one, that being a common name in the Eighteenth Precinct. The true priesthood of Raoul tried to clear the record with their famous chant, "Nothing equals Zero!" But the clarification campaign of Raoul never caught on, because no one cared very much. Duh.

As an historical side note, before her death, at the urging of her husband Onan, Bates tried to claim for herself the title of "Master," but that never caught on either. Poor Bates Motel died in obscurity and discredit.

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Here is one more short extract from the Books of Raoul, hot off the translation. In the Tall Tales collection is a piece called, "The Book of Running Away." This Tale tells how the Twelve Holy Suggestions of Raoul were miraculously discovered written on a small Chick pamphlet which had been left in a public washroom in a rest stop on the road leading west out of Alexandria. Here are:

• I.    I am Raoul, thy God. I shall allow no other gods before me. After me is okay, but I don't like sloppy seconds.


• II.    Thou shalt not take My name in vain. If thou wantest something, call on Zeroasher. He's not doing anything important anyway.


• III.    Never on Sunday. Okay, not more than two or three times.


• IV.    Don't shove peas up thy nose. Because thy parents forbid it, that's why.


• V.    Thou shalt not kill, unless thy government says it's okay.


• VI.    There shall be no Rule VI.


• VII.    Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife, nor thy neighbor's ass, nor thy neighbor's wife's ass.


• VIII.    Thou shalt not witness to false bears against thy neighbors. Or bare thy neighbor's falsies to witnesses. Or witness thy neighbors with bears. Or something like that. You know what I mean.


• IX.    When all else fails, have sex.
  

• X.


• XI.


• XII.